Just a sad update

A tiny wind and tide tossed sailing boat on the River Mersey

We spotted this little boat on Saturday on our way over to Arrowe Park Hospital. This makes me think a bit of our situation - there's that tiny boat out there on a huge river, battling on through the waves. Wind against Tide makes for rough water.

Wednesday last week after observing Mum on the Clinical Decision Unit over the previous 2 days she was moved to a ward and has been put onto the Liverpool Care Path for the Dying (LCP). They found that she had both lung and urinary tract infections, so had her on a ?saline drip and also intravenous antibiotics. They kept her on these (which they started while were there on the Monday Mum was admitted) for another 36 hours to see if she showed any signs of improving.

The first we knew that Mum was on the LCP was on Wednesday when John and Helen visited, but I didn't go. John went to the hospital this Monday, as nobody had really told us much about how things had proceded. I think we were too shocked by how suddenly and fast it all happened to ask before.

We've visited most days since Mum went onto the LCP (though I had a day off Monday as so exhausted by all the travelling), and we sit and chat about what's happening with the family news, and reminisce about past times.

One day we even had a bit of a sing song with the lady in the next bed!

To be honest I doubt that Mum can hear us any more as she's on so much medication (given via a pump) and looks as if she's sleeping. Every day when we phone we get the same message, which can be summed up as: "She had a comfortable night, no change."

John was back in work yesterday for the first day since (I think) last Wednesday - we just can't plan anything, it all feels so awful. We're just waiting for Mum to die, makes me feel rather like a circling vulture.

We went over yesterday evening, but only stayed about 20 minutes. I was able to stroke Mum's forehead and tell her again that I love her. While I have actively disliked Mum on numerous occasions, she is still my Mummy who was my world when I was a little girl. The love was still there.

John phoned Norah, one of Mum's oldest friends the other day to tell her what was going on. Her response was that she thought it was good that Mum was finally getting some respite, that her recent life wasn't at all what she wanted.

I think both John and myself felt better for hearing that. Norah has been a tower of strength and help when things were awful around the time John began to use Dad's Enduring Power of Attorney and Mum was rampaging up and down to the banks and accusing them (and us) of all sorts.

It may sound silly, but I can't bring myself to begin thinking of the F word yet. We both still have a feeling that Mum will suddenly sit up in bed and demand a cup of tea and some pink ice cream.

Nothing seems very real at the mo, and I've had a couple of really bad episodes of depersonalisation that have freaked me out somewhat. Finding it very difficult to eat anything, and frequently not sleeping very well either.

But slept 12 hours straight last night, so am feeling somewhat better today. And the sun's shining too, so that always helps.